First, I want to let everyone know that my bosses are definitely not holding a taser to my neck to make sure we mention Taylor Swift the required number of times a day (come on, you know who we work for. My neck is our Christmas bonus). I write this of my own free will.
The Kansas City Chiefs were now used as one of the leading public relations firms in the world, letting a win over the best team in the NFC slip through their fingers. Quite literally, actually. Just 10 yards away from what would have likely been a game-winning touchdown, Travis Kelce — visibly exhausted and distracted from a bye-week trip to South America to redirect his post-playing career prospects to host Good Morning America in support of his girlfriend Tay Tay — was floundering. He kept the Eagles in the game.
(I’m definitely not getting stabbed in the ribs with a crowbar now.)
Obviously, if Kelce’s mind had been entirely on the football, we would have seen regular tackles on his way to the end zone. But thanks to the influence of Ms. Swift (Mrs. Kelsey one day, if she tests well with focus groups), Kelsey takes himself a little too seriously and spends 60 Minutes protecting himself rather than putting it all on the line. He clearly feels himself of great value to America, and I am in no way obligated to write.
But that wasn’t the case for the Chiefs, who still had the ball in Mahomes’ hands and a chance to win. That’s all they usually need. Because Mahomes does things like…
Wait, this isn’t how it ends. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works.
But we can’t sit here and call Valdes-Scantling an idiot, because clearly all the Chiefs are walking on eggshells and pins and needles because of the extra spotlight being thrust upon them thanks to Kelce’s quest for global stardom. Their hands are a little sweaty, and their knees are shaking a lot more, because the fast-sized referee is waiting at every turn. The mission of fulfilling a lifelong dream while carrying the hopes of an entire city while maximizing the small window that an NFL professional football player has? Child’s play. But letting down Taylor Swift? Maybe they all carry guillotines.
(This is definitely not a gun being cocked in the kitchen where that happens either).
It certainly has nothing to do with another Matt Nagy-led offense going into a vapor lock in the second half, which there’s no long record of it ever having happened before or anything. And it’s not as if the Chiefs will figure out all of these mistakes with a soft schedule the rest of the way and a new, relentless defense that’s better than previous versions just in time for the playoffs when they will almost certainly host their last AFC Championship game. The weight of Swifties is not something any team can carry.
It’s now clear that the only thing standing between the Chiefs and their status as an official NFL dynasty is the 5-10 pop star. There may also be six Gurus guarding the door. Taylor also has four arms.
(I am now certain that I will live another day.)
Not a good look for the USMNT
The USMNT finished the year with a dead rubber against Trinidad and Tobago. It was the second leg of the CONCACAF Nations League/Copa America qualifiers quarterfinals next summer, and the United States had taken a 3-0 lead into the first leg. They scored the first goal with this wonderful cross and header from Sergino Dest to Anthony Robinson:
Everything became a reality after that. But that didn’t stop Dest from collecting the most brain-dead red card in USMNT history, regardless of anything Jeff Agus might do:
Yes, that means getting two bookings at once, while also trying to pick a fight with half his team over an unjustified foul that no one can determine in a match and a draw that was already decided where he should have spent the remaining time just trying not to get hurt. Draymond Green cries all the time because he never realized he could get it done and the time he has to do it dwindles.
Here’s how they should honor Modano
The Dallas Stars announced that Mike Modano will receive a statue outside the American Airlines Center. We have a suggestion for what it should be:
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